RIP Van Evangelion

[For Washuu]

R.I.P. Van Evangelion: An Evangelion/Rip Van Winkle/Hellsing/I Am Legend/FLCL/Book of Eli/Tenchi Muyo/Narnia/Ranma/Trigun/Team Fortress II crossover of the Psuedo-Zombie Apocalyptic genre.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, except the arrangement thereof. Thank Kami.

O=+-^-+=O

One day, Rip Van Winkle woke up to an unfamiliar ceiling. Or rather, a lack thereof. His house was gone, he couldn't find his family, and to make things worse, someone has replaced his trusty, rusty fowling gun with some wierd gun-like piece of plastic.
"Just when I thought I could make that hunk of junk work, too." he grumbled.
Jokingly, he pointed the cheap-looking "weapon" at the house of his annoying neighbor and pulled the trigger.
The next moment he was looking back and forth between the crater that had been a house and the crab-shaped logo on the GP blaster in his hand.
"Oh. Um. Sorry, Miss Excel."
He looked back at the gun.
"And just what does "BAERLKS" mean, anyways?"
Right about then he looked up and saw that, aside from his house and his neighbor's, there weren't any complete houses standing in town. Well, now just his house. And that was missing a roof.
Ten minutes later, dear ol' Rip had grabbed his video camera, was riding a Vespa he had managed to figure out how to opperate, and was headed toward a 400-fool long albino thigh he saw unclothed on the edge of town.
The stupid pervert.
Well, the closer he got to the oversized piece of angelic leg, the more he noticed the masses of shuffling, moaning people who were unceremoniously dropping chunks of themselves everywhere they went. In fact, he became so distracted by all the zombie'd people around him that he never noticed the girl with a baseball bat until he had flat-out run over her.
This, of course, sent both him and the Vespa sprawling, due to the insanely small mass of a Vespa compared to a car, and the fact that dear ol' Rip is a dear ol' wimp.
As if seeing the entire city nearly flattened and hordes of zombies roaming the streets wasn't bad enough to make Winkle snap...
Yep! It was.
He couldn't take it. As soon as the girl said "Earlobes" and leaned toward him, Rip jerked back, kung-foo'ing the girl into a Magic Lamp-post and was two large steps toward the Vespa before you could say "I Am Legend".
"'America's Funniest Home Videos' is going to DIE when they see footage of this!" he giggled to his half-crazed self.
He didn't consider that they were probably already dead.
He quickly broke into a convinience store by stepping through the (lack of a) wall, raped the candy isle, and was soon at the airport.
The only plane that was still anywhere near flying condition (aside from missing any landing gear) was a Learjet called the "BeeBop". Climbing in, Rip realzed that he didn't actually know how to fly at all. Walking forward to te cockpit, he woke up the sapient penguin who had been listening to a DAT tape player and asked if it would kindly fly him to the best TV town in the world.
"I have what's got to be the funniest home video ever!" exclaimed our dear ol' moro- er, Rip.
For some reason (probably because he didn't have anything better to do), Pen-Pen decided to humor the old fool and granted him said favor.
Hours later, they touched down in San Fransisco, where their plane was instantly surrounded by GP officers.
"Um... did they want this gun back?" Rip asked, but the only response he got from Pen-Pen was that the penguin lit up an pipe and opened a book of Socraties.
"O...kay."
As soon as he had opened the door and poked his head out, however, he was nearly deafened by his greeting.
"WINKLE NO BAKAAAAA!" Akane screamed over the outdoor P.A. system, and a man with spiky blond hair and a red trench-coat aimed his left arm at Rip and fired a shot through the sleeper's head.
"Boom. Headshot."

End of Eva- er, Story.

[For Washuu]

Notes:
1. Unbeknownst to every/anyone, I have been pretty well-influenced by some of the more classic fanfiction writers. Most of which I would not ever admit to having read, like TankCop.
2. To get all the gags and references in this bakafic, one should be familiar with the following:
*Washington Irving's "Rip Van Winkle" (Main Character, some scenario basis)
*Tenchi Muyo (The GP blaster, GP officers' appearance, Washuu's Crab Logo)
*Excel-Saga (Character)
*Hellsing (Rip is also a character in it, "BAERLKS")
*I Am Legend (scenario)
*Neon Genesis: Evangeion ("unfamiliar ceiling")
*"End of Evangelion" (Giant depleted Rei parts)
*FLCL (Vespa, Mamimi/baseball bat/"earlobes")
*"Book of Eli" (San Fransisco, scenario)
*C.S. Lewis's "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" (Magic Lamp-post)
*Ranma 1/2 (Akane's "BAKAAA!" line)
*Trigun (Vash the Stampede)
*Team Fortress II ("Boom. Headshot.")

[Ryokos Stepdad]