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Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« on: September 23, 2013, 04:18:48 AM »
 

Zigra

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If anybody is interested (as if any of you even look at the fan fiction section), this is where you can discuss my working project "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police". To sum it up, this series of fics is essentially GXP reimagined for the Tenchi Universe continuity. Any feedback or suggestions you guys might have (like episode title suggestions) would be greatly appreciated :)
 

Re: Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2013, 11:33:17 PM »
 

جبريل 無道

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It took me a while but I just read it.  While you should commit seppuku in relation to anything you write with Tenchi and Sasami, and die an agonizing death, but I rather liked the GXP fic other than Ryoko being Tenchi's fiance.  (If that's not some type of Amane misunderstanding.)  Whatever.  It's actually better than the canon GXP imo.  Longer episodes might work well, that's up to you.  You should post it to Fanfiction.net, perhaps under the Tenchi category instead of the deadish GXP one.  I do wonder where you're going with it.

Your writing definitely improved.

In episode 3, you misspelled grinned, as grined.  You also say "white substance that looked like ivory, yet felt like glass" but the two feel very similiar.  What's the difference?  Ivory is somewhat "warmer", so cold like glass?  Smooth like glass?  What?

You also have Tarant shiver and shudder too many times.  With the Devil Princess that's fine.  Cold of the planet, okay.  But with Washu, I'm starting to think this man is a weakling.  He should simply note about her with some cold, bemused detachment.  Or something.

Ryoko Balta also has orange/blood red eyes (seemingly common in the Tenchi verse), not brown.  http://images.wikia.com/tenchi/images/7/7d/Ryoko_balta.jpg

You can shorten sentences such as:
When he finally got close the destination, he could hear the sounds of conflict.

You also tend to use "like" too much.  Stop doing that so much and just describe.

"The sight he beheld at that moment was like something out of a zombie movie. These creatures, which looked like pale blue-haired women and which all looked exactly alike, were engaging in a slaughter.  A large group of men, whom Seina presumed to be the pirates they were chasing, were being killed in horrific ways. Each of the “zombie women” (which is what Seina called them in his mind) overtook a pirate and began doing such things as eating that pirate alive, sucking out all of the pirate’s body fluids with a tube-like tongue, or just disemboweling him for the hell of it."

I think this softens the stories impacts when overused.  Also, you write sequences passively, especially action.  Write something more direct, such as:

Was he in a Zombin movie?  Identical pale-blue haired women, resembling banshees of mythology, were hacking into Tarant's men with abandon and glee.  One of the pirate ran at him in panic and Seina fidgeted, bracing himself for an encounter but he shouldn't have bothered.  A throaty yell left the man's mouth and he stumbled, he recovered his balance and looked down to find the obstacle only to he his own entrails catch his feet.  He gasped and went down with one of the monsters behind him in full bloodlust.  This "zombie woman", as Seina mentally identified them, withdrew her extended claws, opened her mouth and her oversized tongue projected out and elongated, attaching itself to her latest victim, and she started to suck him dry until all that was left was a dried husk.
« Last Edit: September 29, 2013, 01:29:57 AM by جبريل 無道 »
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Re: Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2013, 03:06:53 AM »
 

Zigra

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Wow, some helpful advice from the Jibreh. Thanks :) Do you mind if I edit out the scene of the Reis killing the pirates and replace it with what you wrote? XD In all seriousness, though, I'll think about editing these stories a bit, though I may not get around to it until Monday at the earliest, seeing as I've got another....project...to work tonight and tomorrow.

On the subject of Tenchi marrying Ryoko, I should note a couple things. First of all, keep in mind that this is the TUverse. Most of what we have for that setting at least implied that he'd end up with Ryoko. I know the Eternal Memory manga said otherwise, but I decided to ignore it because I don't want Tsunami in the TUverse (personal preference thing). Second, I have to admit that I don't like the TU Tenchi anywhere near as much as the original TM! Tenchi. So, that means I don't really care if this one ends up with Ryoko. In fact, girls like Sasami and Kiyone might be too good for TU Tenchi <.<

Anyway, thanks again for the critique.
« Last Edit: September 29, 2013, 03:22:15 AM by Zigra »
 

Re: Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2013, 04:36:20 AM »
 

جبريل 無道

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All my advice is helpful, you just need to listen.

Yeah you can use what I wrote.  I cleaned it up grammar wise and added a bit more.

Was he in a Zombie movie?  Identical pale-blue haired women, resembling banshees of mythology, were hacking into Tarant's men with abandon and glee.  One of the pirates ran at him in panic and Seina fidgeted, bracing himself for an encounter but he shouldn't have bothered.  A throaty yell left the man's mouth and he stumbled.  As he recovered his balance with a warrior's grace, he looked down to examine the obstacle only to find that it was his own entrails that entangled his feet.  He gasped and fell dead, revealing one of the monsters behind him in full bloodlust.  This "zombie woman", as Seina mentally identified her kind, withdrew her extended claws and opened her mouth for her oversized tongue to project out and elongate, attaching itself to this latest victim, and she sucked him dry until all that was left was a dried husk.
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Re: Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2013, 03:30:20 AM »
 

جبريل 無道

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Why did you change Seto's name to Orga Millenia?
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Re: Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2013, 04:43:11 AM »
 

Zigra

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Why did you change Seto's name to Orga Millenia?

All I'll say right now is that there is a significance to the name change, but that would be giving away serious spoilers ;)
 

Re: Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2013, 08:31:09 AM »
 

جبريل 無道

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Sigh, I suppose it's a movie monster thing.
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Re: Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2013, 04:10:18 PM »
 

Gaston

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Your Shinji is so well written, he is exactly like in the series. He so sympathetic when the others characters bullied him for not valuable reason since he is a saint.
 

Re: Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2014, 10:04:55 PM »
 

جبريل 無道

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I need to start reading this again, it's the one fic of yours I liked.
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Re: Discuss "Tenchi Universe- Galaxy Police"
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2014, 06:58:20 AM »
 

Zigra

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Well, I finally finished this fic. Sure took me long enough. Out of all the stories I've ever written, this one seemed the most like a chore for some reason. I feel relieved that it's finally over.